If you follow soccer — that European game they call football, but only because they use their feet — you know that Marco Borriello, who plays as a striker for AC Milan, failed a drug test in November and was suspended from the team.

At the time, he and his smokin’ hot girlfriend, Belen Rodriguez, claimed that she had given Borriello an STD and the cream he was told to rub on his wee willy contained cortisone, which is on the banned substance list. Unfortunately, Italian doctors claim that the quantity found in his system was too high to have resulted from absorption through the skin and must have been ingested.

The couple has since modified their story and now claim that Mr. Boriello must have ingested the cream — which his girlfriend had also been rubbing on her own affected region — while he was doing a little muff diving. I think I just came a little.

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