John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburgh was minding his own business jerking off near a nature path last week, when he was rudely interrupted by some cops who then arrested him for indecent exposure. When the officers asked if he was carrying anything they should know about (even though he was completely nude), he admitted that he had a ‘tool’ and not the one he’d just been yanking on.

Now, ask yourself where a completely naked man would carry a ‘tool’ and never mind the fact that he was masturbating in a public area and had taken all of his clothes off. I can only think of three possible places, but since we’re talking about a tool here, we can rule out the nostrils and the mouth — and since my mother taught me never to stick anything in my ears smaller than my elbow, I’m not considering the ears — which leaves only one logical place.

Now that you know where he put it, I’m sure you’re wondering what the hell kind of tool a guy would stick in his ass in the first place. Well, he referred to it as an ‘awl’, or as most of us would refer to it, an ice pick.

When officers were informed that he was concealing an ‘awl’ in his rectum, they immediately drew their weapons and then called the fire department. Why does everyone always call the fire department? Were they afraid he also had some gasoline and matches stuffed in there and was planning on setting himself on fire and putting it out with the ice pick? (sorry, old joke) C’mon, I know that people call the fire department to get their cats out of trees and I can kind of see the logic in that, since the fire truck has a ladder on it, but what tools do fire fighters use that would make them the logical choice for removing an ice pick from a man’s anus? Maybe it’s the gloves.

As it turns out, the fire fighters just had to stand around and watch, because Sheehan ended up removing the 6-inch metal awl himself and was then booked on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon. I’m still unclear on how an ice pick is now considered a weapon, but I am clear on the concealed part.

The only thing I’m really left wondering at this point is do you think the guy was walking around with an ice pick in his ass, or did he jam it up there real quick when he heard the cops coming? The report didn’t mention whether they also found a bottle of personal lube at the scene.

Source: Associated Press

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