Today was the absolute worst day of my entire life. Up until now, the day the cops found 100 pounds of pot in the trunk of the stolen Corvette I was driving when I ran over the old lady on the sidewalk was the worst, but today… well, I’ll let you decide.

This morning I took my girls to school like I often do, and before leaving I told my wife I was going to grab some breakfast at Perkins and then go straight to a meeting with my accountant instead of coming home first, so I wouldn’t be back until after lunch. I kissed her goodbye and said, “I love you” like I always do, even when I’m only going to be gone for a short time. As I drove away, she waved at the girls and blew me a kiss.

I dropped the girls off and went to eat breakfast. Just about the time I was finishing my cell phone rang. It was my accountant’s secretary calling to tell me that there had been a death in his family and we would need to reschedule. I told her I was sorry for his loss, even though I wasn’t exactly disappointed about missing the meeting because now I would get home in time to make love to my wife while the girls were gone. If you have kids I’m sure you know you take the opportunities when they come, which isn’t often.

This is the point in the story when things begin to go south.

When I got home I quickly realized I wasn’t going to get lucky like Mr. Happy and I had been hoping since we’d found out the meeting with my accountant had been canceled. The first indication came when I walked into the house and heard a man’s voice coming from the kitchen. Okay, I admit I was so horny that the idea of a threesome quickly raced through my head, but only for a brief second, I swear. The second indication came when I arrived in the kitchen and saw my neighbor reaching around from behind my wife, stroking her pussy.

I was completely shocked. I’d never had the slightest reason to be suspicious and my wife has always been rather reserved and shy about letting people see her pussy anyway. I immediately felt light-headed and maybe that’s the reason I didn’t see the damn dog lying on the floor when I came around the center island.

There’s nothing that will make you jump quicker than the sound of a dog yelping in pain when you step on its tail and did I ever jump. Unfortunately, as I did my best Kung Fu jumping, flipping, spinning move (I’m not sure what they call it) to avoid putting my full weight on the poor dog’s tail, my hand smacked the butcher block that holds our cooking knives and the big carving knife went flying high into the air.

This is the time in the movies when everything shifts into slow motion and I’m here to tell you that’s exactly how it happens. I watched in horror as that big-ass knife went cartwheeling through the air like a cheerleader after a touchdown, flipping over and over and then impaling the bitch right in her head, embedding itself deep in her brain, killing her instantly.

The nausea hit me like a six-foot swell at low tide, knocking me to my knees. Finding out that I wasn’t the only man my wife let touch her cat wasn’t that big a deal, but I’d just killed my dog.

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